Weddings are for partying with your loved ones – that much is a given. But what about the not-so-loved ones? One part of wedding planning that can seem exceptionally stressful for couples is the guest list, and somewhat unfortunately it is a deciding factor quite early on. For example, you need to know your rough numbers before you book a venue – sure, you don’t need a full RSVP list, but there’s a difference between a room holding 50 people and 150 people!

With cost so directly related to guestlists, as well as the minor detail of your wedding being one of the best days of your life largely down to who you’re celebrating with, it may appeal to you to have a smaller guestlist. However, human nature means we hate being left out, and Britishness means we hate being perceived to be rude to people, even when we’re well within our rights with what we’re saying. To avoid awkward conversation and confrontation, here’s my guide to the most common guest list dilemmas and how to solve them.

Should we invite people just because we were invited to their wedding?

This is a common scenario that many couples are faced with when starting to look at who they want to include on their guest list. It feels polite to return the favour, right? But what this fails to note is that every wedding is totally unique, and I don’t just mean in terms of your personal style. Factors such as budget, venue and location have an influence on guest list finalisation – and yours won’t be the same as theirs! This means the simple answer is no (and the difficult answer is no, too). This is your wedding, and if you wouldn’t have considered inviting them previously, then think twice about extending an invitation purely from obligation. Most people will fully understand that everyone’s situation is different, but if you still feel you should invite them, there’s always an evening invitation to consider.

How do we politely tell guests children are not invited to the wedding?

It may seem like every other week there’s a viral news piece from an enraged parent who received this kind of invite, and whilst this may be terrifying as said invite sender, it’s actually also a good thing for you: it means this type of request is becoming much more common! You may choose to have a child-free, adult-only event for many reasons, including cost, location, or personal connection, but whatever your reasoning is, you have to approach it carefully. Ensure you are clear in your request without being seemingly obtuse or un-understanding. A good way of highlighting this to guests early on is to make sure the invites are only addressed to the adults, as well as the RSVPs. However, some people will just assume their brood is included in the invite regardless, so it’s always worth putting an extra sentence in to clarify. Phrases such as ‘We’d really like everyone to be able to let their hair down, so we politely request that no children attend’ work well – you’ll probably find your guests arrive TOTALLY ready to party! Be prepared, though as some people may be unable, unwilling – or both! – to come without their children, as everyone’s situation is different, and you can’t control this.

Do we have to invite work colleagues, or our bosses?

Assuming that these aren’t work colleagues you’d also count as “friends” – because then they’d be invited in their own right as such - it again depends on your relationship with your colleagues and your work environment. If you socialise outside of work with colleagues and enjoy it, and moreover can afford it/have the space, inviting them for the evening can lead to a healthy injection of new energy to get the night time off to a lively start. Don’t, however, just invite them because they keep coming to your desk to have a nosey at how wedding planning is going!

What’s an A and a B list when it comes to planning our guestlist, and should we do one?

An A and a B list is a way of prioritising your guests when you can’t comfortably invite everyone you would in an ideal world. Your A-Team are the ones you couldn’t imagine not being there; your B-List are the additional people you’d really like to invite if space or money allows.

During the planning stage, you will have obviously considered the perfect guest list of your nearest and dearest, however as Jeff Goldblum so wonderfully didn’t say, life, uh, gets in the way. Things happen, commitments crop up, and some of your guests will simply and sadly not be able to attend. The number of these A-list guests who won’t be able to attend your wedding is proportional to the size of the wedding. If you are planning a larger wedding with 200+ guests, expect approximately 20% to regretfully decline; an intimate wedding with around 50 close family and friends normally sees a much lower number of declines.

My advice is: it’s definitely a good idea to have a B list, as it means you can easily readjust your guest list if necessary, but only if you feel comfortable doing so.

How many guests should our parents be allocated, if any?

Again, this depends on the dynamics of the two families (helloooo deep therapy!) as well as the finances in relation to the wedding day. Historically as parents often contributed a (large) sum to paying for the day, it was seen as fair that they could invite a proportion of their friends and family to enjoy their generosity too. Of course, you want your parents to be comfortable and enjoy themselves at the wedding and a few close friends or extended family members may help with this. Discussing this with them beforehand though is super important – it’s still your wedding, so you should be able to have the final say on these guests (if you’re allowing them at all!)

Even if there’s no financial involvement from parents, they may still expect to have a few family friends invited. If you are going to do this, just be sure to keep the proportion roughly the same on both sides: it’s a bit off for one parent to have their entire final high school year of classmates in attendance, whilst the other only has three friends on the list.

And it’s worth saying too that if these extra guests will push you over your budget, or take up the crucial space of people you really want at the wedding, it’s best to say no altogether and be honest with your parents in explaining why. I know I keep saying it, but it is true: at the end of it all, it’s your day!

Should we cut the guestlist down to be able to afford the day of our dreams, or should we make other sacrifices so we can invite more people?

This really does come down to what’s most important to each couple. Your wedding day will be one of the most memorable days of your life - in years to come you will look back and remember the way your partner looked, your first dance, that moment when it got emotional during the speeches and all those joyous moments with your closest friends and family. These are the memories you will treasure, and what you’ll remember is quality, not quantity! If you want to invite a big number of people, it’s worth asking yourself why. Is It for the sake of it? You’re starting an amazing adventure together and taking on the world as a partnership; try not to start this off by over-extending your finances for the sake of numbers.

The Most Common Wedding Guestlist Dilemmas and How To Solve Them